“Getting to Know You”

The song by the same name is from Rodgers and Hammerstein’s The King and I. It was strange to me that this is the reference that came to mind as I listened to the various tributes at a dear friend’s funeral. I have known her for a brief 16 years. That’s not a long time given my age. We shared a love of reading (recommending our favorites and then rehashing them in great detail), nature’s bounty (particularly birds), art (her talent, my appreciation), families (heavy emphasis on grandparenting), politics and the state of the world (we knew enough to know when NOT to go there), and perhaps, most important, she was in love with a very dear friend. That’s how we met.

Her death was the result of cancer and the last months (and particularly weeks) of her life were tougher than tough. Those who eulogized her spoke about the woman I knew and recognized. She worked hard, loved deeply, and enjoyed the gift of her life. All of the tributes focused on her kindness, consideration, resilience, positivity, love, humility, and competence. Each of her sons said they won the “mother lottery.” The grandchildren shared stories of her strength, wisdom, and compassion. Throughout her life my friend suffered multiple losses without losing her appreciation for all the good in her life. It was through the eulogizers’ personal recollections of intimate moments, everyday occurrences of happiness and times of triumph, as well as distress and uncertainty, that they shared and conveyed the depth of her being. She made a difference in each of their lives, and this was a joy to hear.

As I listened to the stories, I felt a lightness in my heart “because of all the beautiful and new things I’m learning about you” which enhanced my appreciation of her even more. Knowing her life story, as told from different perspectives, helped me understand how she became the extraordinary person I was fortunate to know. Oddly, it was through her death that I learned more about her life. I believe her legacy will continue to live on in each person who knew her. Her life, as well as the memories of her, are her gifts.

Navigating Work in Our Later Years

I am often asked: “Are you still working?”

There are assumptions behind the question that tap into my sense of myself as the “aging professional” that I am. I have many role models who are, and were, healthy enough to continue working into their older years. And fortunately, I have a choice whether I WANT to work. I appreciate that is a choice that many older people don’t have. For different reasons, either they must work, or they are not able to work. And of course, there are older people who would like to work but are perceived as “too old.” Consequently, they are neither considered for nor offered positions for which they have both qualifications and competencies.

Personally, I am still working on “how” I am working, what working means to me at this point of my life, and what my work looks like as I move into and through this last chapter of my life.

I ask myself, “What do my days look like? Where do I put my emphasis? In what ways do I integrate awareness of aging? How am I affected by the way those who are close to me deal with their own aging?” These are all components of my answer to the question “Are you still working.”

That question can imply subtle assumptions and expectations about a person’s age and professional engagement. I am aware of the importance of adapting our work to reflect our evolving selves. It can be helpful to think about how this realization, evolution, and adaptation, affects each of us and others in our life.

We can explore how our interests can continue to thrive, whether through shifting work patterns, exploring new interests, or reinventing our roles.

To personalize the process, perhaps you can do what I am doing. In my case, I ask, “What is the assumption behind “Are you still working?” Is it that someone perceives me as old enough to retire (correct) and that I also have that desire to stop working (not correct)? In my case I am changing the way I work to keep myself intellectually and professionally stimulated as well as emotionally connected in a way that suits me and others. I also do not want to defend myself for my choices. Among the questions that I prefer to engage to enhance an understanding of the relationship of aging and work are: “What is it like for you to work at this time of your life?” “How is working at this stage of life different from when you were younger?” “What are the benefits and drawbacks of working into your elder years?” “What changes have you made to continue to keep your work satisfying?”

Evaluate Working Style and Needs. As we age, our work preferences may change. Take the time to reflect on what aspects of our work we still enjoy and what we’d consider changing. This may be shifting from full-time to part-time, starting a consultancy to share our expertise, or transitioning to volunteer work that aligns with our passions. Understanding and making these adjustments can keep work fulfilling without feeling overwhelming.

Keep Learning and Exploring. Never underestimate the power of learning. Whether it’s pursuing a long-desired degree or picking up a new skill, ongoing learning keeps our mind sharp and our days interesting. As with my friend who pursued a degree for personal satisfaction, learning should be seen as valuable, even if it is not a direct route to a job change. We can embrace education as part of a lifelong journey that enriches our personal and professional lives.

Recognize our Unique “Sell by Date.” Each person has their own timeline for when they may want to retire or change the pace of their work life. We can recognize and respect our own ‘sell by date’—the point where our current role no longer fits our lifestyle or ambitions. This does not need to be fully stepping back, but rather adjusting our professional life to better suit our current desires, focus, and capabilities.

Foster Quality Interactions. As work dynamics shift, maintaining quality interpersonal interactions becomes crucial. These relationships can be profoundly rewarding and are often what many find most fulfilling about their work. Ensure that whatever changes we make allow for meaningful connections, whether with colleagues, former colleagues, clients, or those we mentor. And for many of us, engaging in new interests gives us the opportunity to welcome new people into our lives. This can be particularly important for our overall emotional and mental wellbeing when we are no longer working in the field where we have built a reputation and, for many, our identity. Stopping work, leaving familiar spaces, places and faces, can ignite feelings of loneliness and isolation, both of which are on the rise and threaten our wellbeing. For this reason, I highly recommend venturing into new spaces, places and seeing and developing relationships with new faces.

The assumption behind the question “Are you still working?” need not constrain us to traditional narratives about aging and retirement. By actively shaping how we engage with our work, assessing our desires, and continually adapting to our evolving needs, we can remain professionally active and satisfied throughout our lives. Let’s redefine what it means to work in our later years, focusing on satisfaction, personal fulfillment, and contribution over societal expectations.

Pause, Reflect, Connect

In our fast-paced world, it’s easy to become absorbed in our own agendas and routines, often overlooking the people around us. To foster stronger relationships and a more connected community, we can make it a daily habit to pause and consider others. Each day, take a moment to reflect on those you interact with regularly – be they colleagues, family members, neighbors, or the barista at a favorite coffee shop. Think about their perspectives, challenges, and emotions. This simple pause cultivates empathy and reminds us that everyone has their own struggles and triumphs, deepening our compassion and understanding.

Beyond just thinking of others, we can become better acquainted with at least one person each day. This could be through a brief conversation, asking a thoughtful question, or simply listening more attentively. Demonstrating genuine interest in others’ lives not only strengthens our connection with them but also enriches our own life with diverse insights and experiences. Whether or not we see the person again is irrelevant. It is in THIS MOMENT, focusing on THIS INTERACTION, that underscores the magic of human connection. Consistent, small efforts like these are the foundation that can lead to stronger, more meaningful relationships and a more supportive, related community.