Embracing Change: Reflections on Relationships Over Four Decades

40 years ago, I wrote my first book, SISTERS: A Practical and Helpful Exploration of the Intimate and Complex Bond Between Female Siblings. It was the outgrowth of my dissertation research and seminars conducted with women all over the country about their sisters’ relationships.

Much has changed since then.

Ten years later, Meris Powell and I co-authored the book, From the Heart: Men and Women Write Their Private Thoughts About Their Married Lives. We solicited letters from people who offered their observations and feelings about their marriages. These anonymous letters were from people who were married a short time, others a long time. Some were divorced and others widowed.

Much has changed since then too.

I think about the people who generously and thoughtfully shared their stories and wonder what they would say about themselves and those relationships, viewed through today’s lens. Tempting as it is to satisfy my curiosity, I’m not going to hunt them down for a 30-40-year follow up interview. I am aware that thinking about them ignites my personal experiences, and those people who have invited me into their lives to offer emotional support for more than half a century.

I am struck by the impact of change in and on relationships. There are times when change occurs suddenly, dramatically, and other times when it is slow; things shift almost imperceptibly. These changes may be welcomed or resisted; our relationships reflect it all. Years ago, I was shopping for a greeting card. I don’t remember the person for whom I was buying the card, or the occasion being celebrated, but I do remember that I bought another card at the same time (not unusual for me). I never sent the second card; I kept it because of its wise and simple message: “People change. They just forget to tell each other.”

I wonder how relationships would be different if we each made a concerted effort to celebrate the changes in the people we love. Doing this may result in encouraging a closeness, an acceptance, a willingness to attempt to know the person in ways they wish to be known. What’s important to note is that we may or may not be comfortable with their changes. When, for whatever reason, we are not open to another person’s evolution, we risk a separation, a narrowing of the relationship’s guard rails, or an editing / censoring of life experiences that remain unshared. Instead of having an increasingly open heart, our heart closes in response to an unwillingness or inability to be with the person as they change.

There are things we don’t want to hear or see because we don’t think we can “approve” or “tolerate” them. We may have concerns regarding how we (or the person) will be affected by the change. Even when someone is in the throes of change, it isn’t necessarily easy and the process can be lonely. We may feel that our beliefs are challenged and therefore we just cannot support them in the way they need. Sometimes we just can’t do it; but sometimes if we open our heart, we CAN do it. Despite our own discomfort, we find a way to be there.

If we are willing to explore and adventure into areas that are unfamiliar or uncomfortable, the person we love will feel that love and a belief in them. People share that they have lived with loved ones for years and they don’t feel as if they know them. They become estranged because they close off to each other. Perhaps they feel judged or that the person is not interested in them. Maybe they feel as if they weren’t “enough” or they are a disappointment in the other person’s eyes.

Several people in the two research studies on sisters and marriage expressed having hope and dreams about what they wanted their relationships to become. I find that incredibly instructive. We can try an interesting exercise. If each of us takes a moment to think about what we might have said about our sibling relationship when we were young, and then what we would have said after 10 years, and then 20 years, 30 years, etc., we can try to understand how we arrived at the place we are today. Where were the crucial moments in our and our sibling’s or our partner’s evolution, and how did those moments affect our relationship? What insights have we now, that we did not have then?

To this point, a few weeks ago, I received a call from someone who had been in therapy with me for many years. She entered therapy to address a “troubled relationship” with her sister. At the time they had not spoken for 25 years. She informed me that recently, their mother died. It was then that they decided to try to connect with each other, fully addressing the influence their mother had on their relationship. Now that they were older, they wanted to get to know the other and they were developing a supportive friendship. They chose to reunite to try and deal with the issues that they never reconciled. Couples have done this too. After years apart, some enter therapy to re-examine their relationship for the sake of their new roles as parents of adult children or grandparents.

Perhaps it’s because I’m getting older, I see precious relationships that we have invested in for much of our lives. Because these relationships change does not mean that they have no value. Also, they may change in ways that make us question whether they ever had value. It’s a good question. But if we avoid judging, and instead, try to focus on observing, we can examine them through a neutral lens. They’ve just changed. We may be disappointed that there isn’t the closeness or connection or familiarity that we felt at a previous time in our lives, or that we assumed would always be present. But we can choose to have a different relationship based on what is, rather than what isn’t. It is more about our willingness to adapt to change and come to terms with where we are and who and what we want in our lives.

Compassionate Support: Tips for Helping Those Who Are Struggling

When we find ourselves in a position to help someone who is facing challenges, whether it’s a child struggling in school, a person recovering from surgery, or an individual who appears to have diminished capacity, our response can make a significant difference. Here are some tips to offer compassionate support:

Take a breath: Before responding, pause and take a deep breath. This moment allows us to center ourselves, momentarily scan ourselves physically and emotionally to be aware of what is before us. Then we can approach the situation with clarity.

Assess the situation: Try to understand the context of the person’s struggle. What might be their experience, and what might they need most?

Choose kindness: A response that is kind, encouraging, and compassionate. Remember, the most supportive answer may not always be the most factually correct one.

Be present: Sometimes, our presence alone can be a powerful form of support. Simply being there for someone can provide comfort and reassurance.

Offer gentle support: Instead of false praise, provide genuine, gentle words of encouragement or supportive gestures. A squeeze of the hand or a soft “I’m here for you” can be meaningful.

Focus on strengths: Help the person recognize their existing strengths (through your eyes and experience with them) and how these can be applied to their current challenge.

Avoid judgment: Refrain from criticizing or judging. Our role is to support, not to evaluate their performance or situation.

Listen actively: Sometimes, the most helpful thing we can do is to listen attentively without trying to fix the problem immediately.

Remember, when people are feeling diminished or less than their usual selves, they need those who care for them to offer support and companionship. Our compassionate presence can be a beacon of hope in their moment of struggle.

The Gift of Presence: A Mindful Approach to “Got a Minute?” Moments

Consider carefully when someone asks, “Do you have a minute?” Pause, and take a deep breath, reflect on whether you can truly be present at that moment. You may not always be able to, and that’s okay. But if you can, try to be there for someone in their time of need. We often say, “I can’t now, how about later?” And while that may work sometimes, it may not always be the best response. Your presence during someone else’s “moment” could make a significant difference in their life. By being mindful of these opportunities to connect, we nurture our relationships and open ourselves to meaningful interactions. Remember, change happens in small moments, and your willingness to be present might be the catalyst for growth in both your life and theirs.