Aging Well and the Freedom to Keep Becoming

I cannot say exactly when I became “old.” I look in the mirror and see “an old lady with a young woman inside” (my mother’s words upon seeing her own reflection). She lived robustly until her death, days before her ninety-eighth birthday. Most of my other relatives died well before the age I am now.  I recognize that simply arriving at this point is evidence of many variables, including luck and inner resources we build along the way!

I am interested in what lies at the heart of aging well (no pun intended).  I am particularly interested in how people create meaningful, engaged lives as they age: lives rich with purpose, confidence, creativity, connection, and joy. I am fascinated by how our attitudes and beliefs influence our experience of aging, and how illness, loss, relationships and our daily choices affect the way we see ourselves as participants in our lives.

At forty, I offered my first seminar about “aging well” to people ranging from their sixties to their nineties. I watched and listened carefully to my students’ observations about growing old.

I learned that aging well requires weaving difficulty into our lives without allowing it to become our whole story. The wisdom we acquire through relationships, work, illness, caregiving, love, disappointment, and loss can help us meet an uncertain present with a more realistic view of ourselves and life. Every person, experience, encounter is a thread in our uniquely personal evolving tapestry.

As we age, we tend to focus more on what we value and what we need. Recovering from mistakes, losses, and challenges we once believed were unthinkable helps us to feel steadier and grateful. Women, in particular, learn to trust their judgment, feel less compelled to please others at the expense of their own well-being, and care less that some consider them invisible.

An enormous industry, as well as a growing body of science, is devoted to longevity and “turning back the hands of time.” I am less interested in turning back time than in understanding how we can live well within the time, however brief, that is ours.

When we recognize the preciousness of time, we pay closer attention to how we spend that time. And a heightened curiosity compels us to explore what interests and resonates within us. We may become more confident, willing to try something new, and say what we think. We choose people and experiences that offer peace, wonder, adventure, and renewal. We become intentional about where we focus our attention.

Aging well requires patience, flexibility, adaptation, and the ability to tolerate uncertainty. The phone rings with news that a friend had a stroke, a cousin died, a grandchild is in trouble, or an adult child has been diagnosed with a serious illness. These realities become new threads in our personal tapestry. For a while they may be the most vibrant threads, receiving our focused attention. Making these threads part of our whole tapestry depends on how we live our lives.

Continuing to be engaged, learn, grow, contribute, and discover ourselves helps us to cope with both physical and environmental challenges as we age.

Curiosity helps us to remain open when life changes.

Along with curiosity, gratitude, patience, adaptability, a willingness to live with uncertainty, and a sense of wonder help us as we age. These elements do not erase pain, but they allow pain and appreciation to coexist. We can grieve what has changed while remaining open to what is still here. We can acknowledge loss while noticing beauty. We can feel sorrow and still experience moments of joy. Aging well is allowing conflicting emotions to be part of our experience at the same time.

We can expand our minds while also giving ourselves space. We can continue to discover ourselves throughout life, becoming more fully ourselves. Perhaps one gift of growing older is the freedom to choose more wisely how we occupy our time and where we place our attention. We cannot control everything that accompanies aging, but we can remain curious about who we are becoming and chart our course using that curiosity as our North Star.

Holding Disappointment with Compassion

When someone we love disappoints us, whether family or friend, our first instinct is often to withdraw or to hold tight to the hurt. We retreat into our own understanding of what happened, certain we are right.

What if we paused instead and asked ourselves: “What is happening beneath the disappointment?” What might they be struggling with that I do not see? What unresolved feelings might be surfacing for them?

The people we care about can disappoint us not because they do not love us, but because they are human. They make choices we would not make; they fail to show up the way we hoped; they say things they cannot unsay. These moments are painful, but like a fracture, they require intention to heal.  They are also opportunities to practice something essential – the ability to hold disappointment without letting it become the whole story of the relationship. Love does not make us perfect.  It asks us to attend to both the connection and the disappointment with honesty and compassion.

Here is an invitation. When disappointment arises, sit with it for a moment. Resist the urge to retreat into certainty about who is right and who is wrong. Notice what you are feeling without rushing to fix it or push it away. Then ask: can I love this person and be disappointed at the same time? Can I acknowledge what happened and still see who they are trying to be or what their struggle is?

When we engage in this way we intentionally refuse to reduce a complex human being to a single mistake or failure (even if we witness a pattern), and letting our unresolved hurt deepen into resentment and blame. Over time, this practice teaches us that the people we love will disappoint us, and we will disappoint them. Healing happens not through time alone, but through the willingness to listen and move through disappointment with honesty and grace.

Tending to our Own Flourishing

Flourishing is not something that happens to us. It is something we make happen through small intentional choices day by day. It begins when we ask ourselves what helps us to feel alive? What makes us feel more like us? What brings us energy and joy? For some, it is time in nature. For others, it is creative work, reading an inspiring book, or connection with loved ones.

Each day, we can identify one thing that helps us flourish and give it our attention. It does not have to be time-consuming or elaborate. Select something that is nourishing and reminds us that life is worth savoring. When we regularly nurture what helps us thrive, our lives feel fuller, richer, and more alive.